Since this is likely my last pregnancy, I had a great idea that I would consistently blog this pregnancy, right from the start.
I didn’t want Baby #4 to be the one without a baby book, without baby pictures, without any . . . blog entries.
Well, here I am 12-1/2 weeks pregnant. And Baby #4 has yet to be featured in his/her own post. . . I guess I’ll start blogging during the second trimester!
With Micah in the hospital this weekend, I was ready to cancel my 12-week visit. After all, by baby #4, you start realizing that all they do is take a urine sample, check your weight and blood pressure, ask if you have any questions, and then (possibly) listen to the heartbeat.
Having not yet heard the heartbeat, the only thing on that list that excited me was the possibility of hearing our precious baby for the first time, knowing that there really is a new little life inside me!
So when Daniel said he thought I should go ahead and keep my appointment, I agreed. It was largely routine. I actually lost 2 pounds (or did I? perhaps it was just because I haven’t eaten much this weekend with Micah in the hospital?) and my blood pressure was “normal” enough that they didn’t have to take it again to be sure I was still alive. Which meant it was “high” for me.
My appointment was with the new nurse practitioner. She told me that at this point we should be able to hear the baby’s heartbeat with the doppler! I was excited. There is nothing like hearing it for the first time. Doesn’t matter whether it’s your first pregnancy or your fourth–it’s exciting!
She tried for what seemed like forever, and I lay there telling myself that this is normal and it’s still early.
She kept trying–pretty sure she could find it, must be just the position of the baby. But all we could hear was the slow, steady wowww, wowww, wowww of the placenta.
I then started praying that she would find it, mainly because I didn’t want to be preoccupied for days or weeks with whether or not the baby was still alive, when there’s nothing I can do about it anyway.
She couldn’t find it.
The nurse practitioner told me that the uterus is starting to “pop out of the pelvis,” which is a sign that my uterine growth is on track, but doesn’t “tell us that the pregnancy is viable,” she added.
I told her my concerns of having very little nausea since about 9 weeks with this pregnancy, as opposed to morning sickness through week 14 or 16 with my girls. She said she wouldn’t be concerned about that–each pregnancy is different and for many women, morning sickness eases up much earlier than week 14 or 16.
She emphasized that 12 weeks is still the time where the placenta may be in front of the baby, or the baby may still be too low behind the pelvic bone to hear the heartbeat. But she wanted me to go for an ultrasound anyway, just to be sure.
I totally focused on her emphasis that 12 weeks is still early to hear the heartbeat with the doppler. “So I think the baby is okay,” I told Daniel.
“We just don’t know,” he replied. “That might not be what God has for us.”
I always say I’m the ‘glass-is-half-full’ person, and he’s the ‘glass-is-half-empty’ person. (He says it’s the opposite.)
Anyway, in this case, he told me that he just wants to be realistic about it.
So when I scheduled the ultrasound, I told him, “Well, in that case, I definitely want you to be there with me. In the outside chance that something is wrong–well, it would be really hard.”
With Micah in the hospital, there isn’t a lot of “downtime” right now to think about the possibilities for our littlest baby. But when I do, my mind can run to scary places.
I’m praying that God will keep my mind thinking truth: What can I be certain of right now? Well, that 12 weeks is early. That sometimes the doppler can’t pick up the heartbeat, but you can see it right away on the ultrasound. That if something happened, there’s nothing we can do to change that, at this point. That my seeing (or not seeing) the heartbeat doesn’t change the reality of the situation. It is what it is–and for now, only God knows. That God chose for me not to hear the heartbeat today–so that I would place this little one back in His hands, something I need to do every day with each of our children anyway. . . That God is in control of everything that happens in our lives, whether it seems “good” or “bad.” That He loves us and promises to walk beside us. Always. Whether there really is a heartbeat. Or not.
And what about those worrisome possibilities that I can do nothing about?
Those–I have to leave with God.